Hold on, pain ends ; HOPE

It’s hard to believe the people who left you behind would want you to be happy. I often wonder if I could say one last work to Natalie, what it would be … what would your last words be to a person you’ve loved and lost? I haven’t blogged in a while, yet for that

It’s not always tinsel and lights

Christmas can be hard for so many people and for so many different reasons. For me, this year, Christmas is hard because of being inpatient, anniversary dates, and this being the third year without my sister after she took her own life. It should be easier by now, right? I thought it would be, but

Suicide prevention day

10th September 2020 marks suicide prevention day. It’s always an important day, but especially now, where this year we’ve experience a pandemic which has affected the world, and our lives. In 2018 there were 6859 registered deaths of suicide in the UK. As many people are aware, in 2018 I lost my big sister to

And the world still continued

After losing Natalie, my writing became on a hold. I’ve been trying to write again. It’s now I realise that even if I stop doing things, the world doesn’t stop. It felt like my world hand ended, but everyone else was still living. Part of me hated that, and part of me is thankful of

What grieving made

Grieving hits in waves. I think I’m surfing and then I’m suddenly pulled under by your weight as if you’re drowning and there’s nothing I can do. Grieving pulls together a family but also tears us apart and how did you expect us to cope with that? Grieving makes me feel guilty and makes me

The things that run through my mind after losing my big sister to suicide.

How can this be happening? She can’t be gone, she wouldn’t leave us, wouldn’t leave me. She would talk to me, she would me tell me if she was feeling that way? How did i not notice? She was struggling all alone and I wasn’t there. What if she hates me for it? What if

Nearly six months gone after you lost your fight.

Have you ever lost your favourite book Your favourite pen? Phone? DVD? Body spray? iPad? Knitting? Homework? Have you ever lost your dog? Have you had a pet that has died? That maybe grew up with you or with your own children? Have you ever had a friend who lost someone close to them? Or

This one is for you

After six long months of restraints, assessments, sections, max observations, being restricted to a ward, losing my sister to suicide, wanting to die and wanting to hurt myself, I’m back home and a week into my discharge. This time it was different. As much as I was happy to be coming home, the thought of

Grieving.

It happens in many ways. At different times. Different for every person. Tomorrow will be seven weeks since my sister completed suicide. It feels more like last week. It’s still raw. It’s still hard and truth is it’s going to be for a long time. There’s always going to be a whole in my heart

It’s not goodbye, just goodnight ⭐️

Yesterday, four weeks and one day after my sister Natalie ended her life, we had the funeral. I can’t explain the anxiety and sadness it caused. But I know it really hit me when Natalie was outside our house and our transport came to take us to north thoresby chapel. Panic, fear, sadness, tears, anger,