Yesterday, four weeks and one day after my sister Natalie ended her life, we had the funeral.
I can’t explain the anxiety and sadness it caused. But I know it really hit me when Natalie was outside our house and our transport came to take us to north thoresby chapel. Panic, fear, sadness, tears, anger, everything – it hit.
People asked how it went (especially since coming back to the ward I’m on) and it’s hard. Because I say it was hard and horrible but also beautiful and that combination doesn’t really mix. I couldn’t do my speech, it was to much so the minister did it for me. But I did read my poem and it wasn’t as hard as I thought it would be because when I stood up at the front of everyone, I realised I was in a room full of people who cared. I kept my eyes on the paper and just reminded myself that.
The crem was hard. People told me it was time to say goodbye. But a few people, thankfully, reminded me it’s not goodbye, just goodnight because even though natt isn’t alone anymore doesn’t mean so wont be in my life. She’ll always be with me and always be in my life for as long as I live so it’s just goodnight and sleep tight for now.
The wake made it beautiful. Why? Because of the people. They didn’t talk about the sadness. They talked about Natalie and good memories and what she was like. I was scared I’d feel like a host and it would drag but it didn’t because the people around me made it special, so special and I’m so grateful.
The last month has hit reality. I’ve lost a few friends and it killed at the time but the people around me and who have stuck by and been there have helped me (not to be horrible) to let them go because it’s times like this in life when you find out what you mean people and that the real friends, the true ones, will stick by you no matter what. Because that’s what good friends do. Laugh, smile, argue, make up and support each other through thick and thin and the people that have been there mean the world to me. The others, goodbye.
I want anyone reading this who came yesterday to know how thankful me and my family are and I think I can say how thankful Natalie was too and still will be. Tears were shared and so was sadness but so were good memories and hugs and warmth. That’ll never leave us. You made the day the day it was; special. And maybe that’s because you’re all special people. So thank you. From the bottom of my heart. Thank YOU.
Natalie, I’m still so lost without you. These emotions? Bloody hell girl you’ve got me stuck on a roller coaster. But I’m doing this. For you. For mum. For dad. And for everyone else. And at some point, I’ll be doing it for me too. You will never leave my heart, my soul or my life. I don’t know how I’m, we’re going to get through this but I know we will.
Also you might want to laugh at the fact me and mum are getting tattoos for you tomorrow. In lincoln at 3pm. Now you can be there and laugh at mum because she’s shitting herself.
I love you angel. Together, always.
Your little sis 💜💜
“Light can be found in the darkest places, if only one remembers to turn on the light” – albus dumbledore
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