Losing my sister and best friend to suicide.

How am I meant to start a blog like this? It’s been three weeks and one day. I was worried about my sister, natt and I called the police. I’m currently inpatient on a psychiatric ward and several hours later, police turned up at the ward, staff took me to them, told me to sit down but everyone else was standing and they told me my sister, Natalie had been found but she had hung herself.

I can still feel the shock of that very moment. I screamed. I told them it can’t be her. They said it was, they found her at her house. I remember running out of that room and to my bedspace and completely losing it and ending up in restraint. I was put on maximum observations which I’m still on and having about an hours sleep that night in the lounge. My mum called me, we were breaking down. My dad and his wife came to see me at 1am. It was the hardest thing we’ve ever had to face. That night I was restrained several nights. And it continued.

I can’t explain how I feel. Sometimes I feel fine like everything is okay. Other times I feel guilty and I should have done more, should have called someone sooner. Other times I feel angry at Natalie, then I feel bad for feeling angry at her. Sometimes I’m numb. Sometimes I’m sad. Sometimes it hits suddenly like a wave and I break down completely. And this isn’t just going to go away because my sister dying isn’t going to change. She isn’t coming back – not this time. This time she’s gone. She’s really gone.

I think me and my family are all going through the motions of it but we try and go through it together. We had to wait for Natalie to come to Louth because of the post-mortem, then arrange the funeral and sort things out like the coffin and her clothing until we could see her. I’ve been to see her twice and it’s been hard but I’m seeing her for the last time on Wednesday and that’s going to be the hardest. Arranging the wake. Sorting through Natalie’s things. Making people aware. There’s been so much. The colour of the coffin, the photos we want, the songs we want, the flowers we want, what we want Natalie to be wearing, how we want people to be dressed, writing what to say, everything. So many questions that need answers. The funeral is a week today.

I can’t explain how lost I few. For the past ten years, me and natt became best friends. We had to go through a lot and we decided to go through it together. We did everything together. We made a pinky promise when I was 13 that if she goes I go, if I go she goes. Breaking that promise has been so hard.

I’m lost. I feel alone and it’s so hard because I have to be On the ward without my family when I just need to a hug from my mum or dad.

Natalie was loved. God if she knew how many people loved her she would struggle to believe it. The amount of messages we’ve had is unreal. Ive myself have had about 250. So many people wanting to come to the funeral (who of all are welcome). So many peop have sent cards and gifts and flowers and it’s so thoughtful. Me and my family appreciate it all. And Natalie a friend, Laura set up a just giving page to raise £1000 to help us pay for the funeral to give natt the best send off and it’s gone over the £1000. That’s so kind of so many people.

Natt has been struggling for years with BPD and anorexia. She fought so hard. She was motivated and determined. I won’t ever forget how focused she was. That she got through five years of uni when I never thought she’d get through one months. She passed the 11+ and went to king Edwards and her school teacher said she’s never pass it but she did. She wanted children. She wanted so much. It’s heartbreaking.

We’re a family of four gone down to three but Natalie will always be a huge part of our lives and in our hearts. I know when a lady bird appears, it’s Natalie saying hello.

You’ll be missed Natalie. More than missed. I’m heart broken. I’m lost without you and I don’t know how to get through this but I know I have to now. Mum and dad love you too. And Paula and rob. And so many others. We’re broken. It’ll never be the same without you.

Ps you are beautiful.